Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Confession of the Day

I've been wanting so badly to blog lately and just haven't been able to come up with anything. I think it's because I want my blog to be lighthearted and lately my heart is just a little bit heavy. All the laundry and dishes and unpacking (yes, we're still unpacking) and naps and meals and baths and everyday life are just kicking my butt right now.
I think that every Mom has a story to explain "what I didn't understand about being a parent before I became one". I think for a lot of people, it's just that it's SO hard. And it is. That's not my story though. Even if I didn't know exactly what it would be like, I expected hard. I even expected it to be really really hard. But I was ready. I'm a very hard worker and I'm very devoted to my kiddos and to the idea of being a good Mom. I figured I could handle it. Here's what I didn't expect.
All of me is not enough. All of the energy and all of the patience and all of the creativity and all of the hard work and devotion that I can muster WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH! Which, if you're a parent, you probably knew already.
Here's my dirty little secret. I have guilt. Not the average guilt that every parent probably has but terrible, crushing guilt. I just can't let go of the idea that I should be able to give my kids a perfect childhood. And yet, I know it's wrong. I'm quite sure that God designed the parenthood experience to be this way. I think it's so that we would be forced to give control of our greatest earthly treasures to him.
So now I feel guilty about not trusting the way I should. Figures.