Confession of the Day

I've been wanting so badly to blog lately and just haven't been able to come up with anything. I think it's because I want my blog to be lighthearted and lately my heart is just a little bit heavy. All the laundry and dishes and unpacking (yes, we're still unpacking) and naps and meals and baths and everyday life are just kicking my butt right now.
I think that every Mom has a story to explain "what I didn't understand about being a parent before I became one". I think for a lot of people, it's just that it's SO hard. And it is. That's not my story though. Even if I didn't know exactly what it would be like, I expected hard. I even expected it to be really really hard. But I was ready. I'm a very hard worker and I'm very devoted to my kiddos and to the idea of being a good Mom. I figured I could handle it. Here's what I didn't expect.
All of me is not enough. All of the energy and all of the patience and all of the creativity and all of the hard work and devotion that I can muster WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH! Which, if you're a parent, you probably knew already.
Here's my dirty little secret. I have guilt. Not the average guilt that every parent probably has but terrible, crushing guilt. I just can't let go of the idea that I should be able to give my kids a perfect childhood. And yet, I know it's wrong. I'm quite sure that God designed the parenthood experience to be this way. I think it's so that we would be forced to give control of our greatest earthly treasures to him.
So now I feel guilty about not trusting the way I should. Figures.

Unhealthy Attachments

Wow, am I a slow learner! Why oh why did I tell the whole world that Grace is an amateur fit-thrower? Now (of course) she's morphing into an 8-month-old drama queen! She's learning that thrashing around and kicking her feet makes for a bigger better tantrum. This, combined with her new-found mobility (she's crawling... and she's good at it!) and a brother who doesn't want her to touch his stuff, is making for some interesting days here!
Meanwhile Isaac is developing some weird attachments. On Monday we had to have our truck towed. When the tow-truck arrived at our house, I immediately called Isaac to the window to see. I was expecting extreme excitement since, as you know, the arrival of the trash truck is a weekly cause for celebration. And the tow truck wouldn't just stop in front of our house but it would actually be IN OUR DRIVEWAY! And just as I expected, Isaac was very excited... for a minute. Then he realized that they were going to be taking OUR truck away with them and the whole event became devastating. We assured him that we would be getting the truck back but he wouldn't be consoled.
"Ok," I thought, "this is strange, but we did see an episode of 'Arthur' where Arthur is miserable at the thought that the family car is about to be junked and eventually saves the day by discovering that a baby rattle in in the tail-pipe is the only thing wrong with it (yes, we watch too much TV... so sue me). I guess emotional attachment to cars is just something that happens to little boys as well as grown-up ones."
Then Tuesday (our new trash day) rolled around and the trash truck came and we rushed to the window just like always. And, just like always, it was exciting. Until they started loading our trash into the truck.
"Want our trash back," Isaac said sadly. HUH???
So now I'm living in fear. You've probably heard of the recalls on "Thomas" toys lately. Of the 3 that we own, 2 have been recalled now. And twice I've been able to get away with pretending that I just can't find them for weeks on end while I wait for the new toy to arrive in the mail. But those 2 were just "Red Caboose" and "Toad". I'm terrified that Thomas himself will be recalled because I don't think Isaac could go a day without him and if he gets that upset about the trash being taken, a recall on beloved Thomas could make for a really rough 6 weeks or so! Oh yeah and the lead paint thing is scary too.

Blessings in Disguise

What am I, CRAZY?! Did I actually put it in writing that the discipline issues were just a phase? I'll put it this way; last week I learned for sure that God has a sense of humor!
The one thing that does make it all a little bit easier is that as Isaac's gotten older and more verbal, it's gotten easier to distinguish between real anguish and the times that it's purely for my benefit punishment. Mostly because he tells me. For instance, he spent one of his (many, many) timeouts last week fake crying and saying, "Help me calm down Mama. Help me calm down!" I didn't mean to actually help him calm down but my laughter may have done the trick!
Another time last week, we were in the car and tired, hungry Grace started crying. Not to be outdone, Isaac began the really REALLY fake crying (not to be confused with plain old "fake crying") and when we ignored it he called to us, "We're crying back here!"
I'm afraid that Grace has inherited a very unsympathetic Mama. I find myself daily saying to my sweet 8 month old, "Oh stop fussing. You're fine." I NEVER would have said that to 8 month old Isaac! I guess I can chalk some of that up to experience but honestly, I think that mostly it's because Grace is such an amateur compared to her big brother. Thank the Lord.
Anyway, I do want to just state for the record that even though I know you're not supposed to compare your children, I do it anyway because I really am just so wildly proud of both of them. I love each of their personalities and having them be so very different just makes me feel like I've been given a little bit of everything. They compliment each other perfectly and I wouldn't change a thing!
And in case my very positive attitude this morning is making you wonder...yes, I've just had my coffee! :)